Contributors were given the option of submitting text as stage direction,
setting or the voice of one of these
characters.
Setting: The curtains open on the interior of a grand,
gothic mansion. Upstage right are two heavy wooden double doors,
presumably leading to the outside world. Upstage left are the lower dozen
or so steps of what is obviously an impressive stairway to the upper
floors. Downstage right is an old stone fireplace, seemingly large enough
to roast a very big hog, or a medium-sized person. All around the stage
are littered the detritus of what may once have been a fine collection of
bric-a-brac - bizarre portraits of forgotten ancestors, old suits of
armor, the stray book or two - but all is now merely cobweb-covered junk.
As for the rest - who knows what trap doors, secret passages and misplaced
old cable remotes are secreted away in this somewhat unsettling front
room.
The light in the room is dim, as scattered candles provide the only
source of light. Mysteriously, with no one in sight, the fireplace
lights itself (!), As if expecting company...
Suddenly, there is a pounding on the door!
Douglas Berke: hello? Is anyone in there?
Robin Berke: just open the door, Douglas! I'm getting
soaked!
Douglas: look, "dear," it's locked, and I'm not about to get
thrown in jail for breaking and entering. That's just
what you'd like, isn't it!
Robin: get out of the way, let me! You never could do
anything right!
With a crash, the door bursts open, and in flies a dripping wet Robin
Berke, followed by a somewhat tentative Douglas Berke.
ROBIN: Oh #*%$#()#@, Were not in Kansas anymore Toto !!!!!
DOUGLAS: This palce look just like the (smirking) "fancy" art work
you do for those trashy novels. (as he turns and shuts the
door)
ROBIN: (Looking annoyed, but restraining herself) I don't like it
any more than you like that sweet surup you sell as
refreshment, and frankly, Douglas, I think that was uncalled
for.
A loud thudding sound is heard, and the door is covered by a
large sliding panel. Douglas runs to the door, but finds
DOUGLAS: It looks like we're not the only ones here. (Moving to
window, but finding it blocked by iron bars) It looks like
you have broken into a trap.
ROBIN: (Defiant) Look, Mister, I didn't ask to come on this trip.
I didn't forget to check the inflation of the spare tire, and
I didn't drive the car into a ditch. Don't go blaming me
for this.
DOUGLAS: (Almost shouting) Well, I certainly didn't --
Douglas is interrupted by a sharp cracking sound, and what
appeared moments before to be a solid wall now sports a well
defined door. A sign appears above the door, but it doesn't
ROBIN: It looks to me as if our "host" is trying to lead us
somewhere. I don't know about you, but I'm NOT going to try
that door. This place reminds me of the contents of the
worst of my client's books.
DOUGLAS: I can't argue with that. I'm going to sit in front of the
fire and attempt to dry my clothes. (aside) I wonder if
this place has a bathroom?
DR. RUEHL: (Muffled, distant) It's down the hall -- third door on the
right.
DOUGLAS: (Wheels around to face Robin) No need to make a joke about m
predicament. It doesn't help matters at all.
ROBIN: What are you talking about? You were muttering to yourself.
I didn't say anything at all. I think this place has you
rattled. Don't blame me for you crazy imagination.
During the course of the following exchange, a bookcase
slowly moves to one side revealing a dimly lit hallway with
a staircase leading both up and down at the end of it.
DOUGLAS: My imagination? You keep telling me I have no imagination!
Dr. Ruehl, his white hair jolting outward from his head as
if he had been shocked, comes up the stairs. He comes up
DR. RUEHL: I was sure that the disequilibration was not too severe. He
had always been able to accomodate and assimilate new
information into his present constructs...what, yes I said he
is here, didn't you understand me? If you wait too long he
will revert to his basic autogenic form...I
ROBIN: Wait a minute. What's that????
DR. RUEHL: What are you people doing here? And would you mind making a
small donation to a scientific cause?
DOUGLAS: I'm terribly sorry for intruding. My name is Douglas Berke,
and this is my wife Robin. We had a blow out just up the
road from this place. We thought the place was deserted.
DOUGLAS: I'm terribly sorry for intruding. My name is Douglas Berke,
and this is my wife Robin. We had a blow out just up the
road from this place. We thought the place was deserted.
Douglas attempts to greet Dr. Ruehl with a handshake, but
Ruehl (seeing Robin for the first time) brushes Douglas
aside and rushes over to Robin. Ruehl is staring wildly a
DR. RUEHL: (to ROBIN) It's YOU! (he stands agape)
ROBIN: (to DR. RUEHL) What do you mean? Do I know you? Have we
met before? (she backs up slowly to get DOUGLAS between her
and the drooling DR. RUEHL)
DR RUEHL, never taking his eyes off of ROBIN's face, stumbles
over to the displaced bookcase and grabs a book, seemingly
at random, from the middle shelf. All the other books on
the shelf fall out on to the floor. They are all trashy
romance novels with gaudy colored covers, and titles like
"The Demon Inside Her Latin Lover", and "Love In The
Minefield". Each cover illustration features a woman with at
least one shoulder and one leg exposed being swept into th
the arms of a shirtless man. He shows her the book and
DR. RUEHL: (pointing to the face of the woman in the cover illustration
of the book he is holding) It's YOU! I've loved you ever
since you first came into my life on the cover of "The Demon
Lover Alchemist!"
The DIRECTOR walks over to the teleprompter and gives it a
swift kick. Sentance fragments and stray letters fall all
over the floor, and are lost in the mess. He walks back out
of sight muttering something unintelligable. He is not a
DR. RUEHL: (trying not to notice the DIRECTOR) You must be here in
response to my invitation! I was afraid the publisher
wouldn't forward it to you. The PR department claimed that
you were fictional!
DOUGLAS: (stepping forward, and almost tripping on the scattering of
stray sentance fragments on the floor) Let me see that.
(looks at the book cover) Robin, this isn't one of your
covers -- but the woman in the illustration is defintely you
ROBIN: I find that hard to believe -- what's the title?
DOUGLAS: (taking the book from DR. RUEHL) "The Knights Templar Stole
My Heart" (opens the book) HAH! Listen to this drivel
(reads) "Outside, the sky was the color of Television, tuned
to a dead channel. Not that I knew that..." (closes the
book and returns it to DR. RUEHL) What utter TRIPE!
DR. RUEHL: (obviously insulted) Eh-hem. (to ROBIN) Although I know who
you are, I don't know your name. And who is this (points at
DOUGLASS with his thumb and contempt in his voice) jerk?
(softens) Oh my, I am forgetting my manners. Here, let me
offer you a seat and something dry to put on. (This is
addressed soley to ROBIN.)
DOUGLAS is not oblivious to the slight, and is irritated by
DR. RUEHL's attentions to his wife. ROBIN is not sure what
to make of the white haired man, and nervously tries to keep
a bit of distance between herself and DR. RUEHL. A
screeching sound, muffled, comes from off stage. DR. RUEHL
DR. RUEHL hardly notices, but the other two are startled.
The PLAYWRITE, an androgenous figure whose appearance changes
continuously, sneaks on to the stage and tries to collect
the letters and sentance fragments without interrupting the
characters. ROBIN and DOUGLAS pretend to ignore him. DR.
RUEHL glares at him. The PLAYWRITE runs off stage and trip
DOUGLAS: hello sir, wheres the cake?
ROBIN: I'm not sure where the cake is, but the strawberries are
still lying beside your bed.
ROBIN: Why it's Rod Serling. Hello. How are you??
DOUGLAS: Robin, you must be having one of your delusions again. Why
did you stop taking the medication?
ROBIN: I found that a shot of clorox worked just as well.
The DIRECTOR and PLAYWRITE tumble across the stage in what
appears to be a fight to the death. A worried looking STAGE
MANAGER appears and quickly hands script revisions to the
characters, then dissapears. The characters look at their
scripts for a few moments, confer amongst themselves, then
resume their previous positions. An anguished scream is
heard from off stage.
ROBIN: (reading from her script, to DR. RUEHL) Who are you, and why
have you trapped us here?
DOUGLAS: (reading from script flatly) I am Dr. Mortimer Ruehl, but my
freinds call me (stops, exchanges scripts with DR. RUEHL)
DR. RUEHL: (reading from script) I am Dr. Mortimer Ruehl, but my friend
call me Morty. I HATE being called Morty, so I don't have
many friends. You can call me Mort. As for your other
question, I've not trapped you here. This old house plays
tricks of its own -- I have no control over it.
There is an awkward silence for a few moments. ROBIN kicks
DOUGLAS and he looks up from his script, he's been reading
ahead.
DOUGLAS: (Finding his place) And you think we're going to believe
that? This house may be strange and old, but it is not
alive!
DR. RUEHL: (a bit dismayed, DOUGLAS skipped some dialog, he tries to
recover) Oh, but it really has a mind of its own. Who are
we to define life? This house has its moods, and right now
it is irritable. (pauses) I would be careful what you say
about Koenig manor -- it takes offense easily. (Satisfied
that he has brought all the skipped information from the
dialog, he continues) Please, heed my warning for you own
sake!
DOUGLAS: Everybody Dies!!!!
Douglass turns and pulls the "Ultimate Nullifier" out of his
pocket and destroys the whole universe in a split second.
The Director zips out of the wings, yanks the ULTIMATE
NULLIFIER out of Douglas' hands and slaps him three or four
times. After a brief, unprintible comment to the
characters, he stalks off, muttering to himself and kissing
his career goodbye.
As the lighet dim, you see the stage crew, ROBIN, and DR.
RUEHL closing in on a defiant looking DOUGLAS. Once the
stage is pitch dark, a loud THUD followed by the sound of a
body falling to the floor is heard.
Setting:
Act I, Scene 2 - In which the new, improved Berkes find
themselves in creepy Koenig manor, and meet some of its
unusual inhabitants.
Setting:
Setting: The lights come up on the interior of a grand,
gothic mansion. Upstage right are two heavy wooden double
doors, presumably leading to the outside world. Upstage left
are the lower dozen or so steps of what is obviously an
impressive stairway to the upper floors. Downstage right is
an old stone fireplace, seemingly large enough to roast a
very big hog, or a medium-sized person. All around the stage
are littered the detritus of what may once have been a fine
collection of bric-a-brac - bizarre portraits of forgotten
ancestors, old suits of armor, the stray book or two - but
all is now merely cobweb-covered junk. One of the suits of
armor contains the unconscious body of the former DOUGLAS
BERKE.
The light in the room is dim, as scattered candles provide
the only source of light. Mysteriously, with no one in sight
the fireplace lights itself (!), As if expecting company..
Suddenly, there is a pounding on the door!
DOUGLAS: (muffled, clearly a different voice than before) Hello? Is
anyone in there?
ROBIN: Just open the door, Douglas! I'm getting soaked!
DOUGLAS: look, "dear," it's locked, and I'm not about to get thrown
in jail for breaking and entering. That's just what you'd
like, isn't it!
ROBIN: get out of the way, let me! You never could do anything
right!
With a crash, the door bursts open, and in flies a dripping
wet Robin Berke, followed by a somewhat tentative Douglas
Berke, now looking amazingly like the former DIRECTOR from
scene 1.
ROBIN: (Loud and with contempt) HAH! The door wasn't even locked!
You are almost as weak in body as you are in mind and
spirit! (noticing the roaring fire, in a stage whisper)
Douglas, I don't think this place is as abandoned as we
thought.
DOUGLAS: (a pained expression on his face, ROBIN's jibe hurt far more
than he would be willing to admit) What do you mean "we"?
I never thought the place was abandoned. I think we should
go back out, rain or no rain, and keep walking. It's not as
if we can get any wetter. I'd rather not meet the occupant
of this creepy place. It reminds me of the places in that
"trash" you illustrate.
Not waiting for ROBIN to reply, DOUGLAS turns toward the
still open door and takes a step. The door slams shut and
the fireplace flares. In the fireplace can be seen a burning
pile of what appear to be scripts. DOUGLAS turns back to
face ROBIN, clearly shaken.
ROBIN: (trying to be comforting, and to hide her own insecurity)
The wind closed the door. See how the fire flared? All the
same, you may be right about this place. (aside) there's
always a first time.
DOUGLAS: (Muttering to himself) I heard that. (goes to the door, and
finds that it is locked solid. He can't even rattle it in
the frame or turn the door knob.) It's locked! (ROBIN
looks incredulous) Well, at least it's jammed, and I can't
open it. (sharply) Some nice trap you've broken us into!
ROBIN: (supressing her anger, but not very well) I've gotten us
into? (her voice gradually raises in volume and pitch for
the following) Look, mister, I wasn't the one who decided to
take a shortcut based on a tourist attractions map. It
wasn't me who refused to stop and ask directions when we
were obviously lost. I didn't forget to put the spare tire
back in the trunk. I didn't drive us into the curb and blow
a tire, and you are the one who refuses to get a Cellular
phone put in the car! All I did was try to find us some
shelter from this storm. (shouting) Don't blame this on me!
DOUGLAS: (so angry, he forgets that he's scared half to death. each
"I" and "You" is punctuated with accusation) You can't blam
this on me! I didn't want to go to your cousins wedding.
If you hadn't been nagging me, I wouldn't have missed the
turn and hit the curb. If you hadn't flattened the old
tire, the spare would have still been in the trunk. And it's
because of your appointment in the morning that we didn't
stop at a motel for the night when the weather got nasty.
Silently, DR. MORTIMER RUEHL enters from behind the
staircase. He is having a bad hair day. For him, this is
saying alot, since on his best days, his hair is wild. It
would be gray, except that it appears to have been dyed
various florecsent colors. He is wearing a dirty lab coat
stained with bright red paint. He watches the proceeding
with some amusement.
ROBIN: The weather isn't the only thing that's gotten nasty! What'
eating you, anyway?
DOUGLAS: Me? I'm nasty? Listen to yourself, will you? I'm locked in
a strange house. I'm soaking wet. I'm tired. I have to go
to the bathroom so badly, my teeth itch. Maybe I'm a bit
irritable, but nasty?
ROBIN: (trying to be reasonable) I'm not just talking about now.
For the last few weeks, you've been almost silent. You just
keep glaring at me. You can't tell me that you've not
relieved yourself in all that time. If you'd calm down for
a few moments, we might be able to find either another way
out of this place, or at least a bathroom. I still think
that something has been eating at you, and if you will not
tell me what it is, I'm not going to spend another night
with you. And don't tell me that it's just a mid-life
crisis, or some other cliche.
DR. RUEHL: (calmly and without guile) Excuse me --
ROBIN and DOUGLAS were oblivious to DR. RUEHL's presence and
are now quite startled by his interruption. To them, it's
as if he just appeared out of nowhere. Reflexively, DOUGLAS
grabs ROBIN and puts himself between her and DR. RUEHL
DR. RUEHL: (continuing without missing a beat) I hope I'm not
interrupting anything important, but perhaps I can help.
The bathroom is --
DOUGLAS: (interrupting) Who are you? Where did you come from? Why
have you trapped us in your house?
ROBIN: (also interrupting at the same time as DOUGLAS delivers his
line) Huh? Where did you come from? What do you want?
DR. RUEHL: (still calm) Not all at once, and all in good time.
(ominously) My time! (calm and steady again) I should ask
the same questions of you. After all, I've not entered your
house uninvited. But I'm a reasonable man. (counting off of
his fingers) My name is Mortimer Ruehl. I came from
Pittsburgh. I haven't. And what I want is none of your
business -- (with emphasis) Yet! Also, the bathroom is at
the top of the stairs, second door on the right. I don't
want you to make a mess of the carpet.
ROBIN: (looks at Douglas) better hurry on up there Douglas wouldn't
want you to have another accident tonight.
DR. RUEHL: Yes, please hurry - you know this rug has been in the family
for generations and it has quite a history behind it. Would
you like to hear about my family? Come Robin (not waiting
for a response), let's go down the hallway while Douglas is
using the bathroom and I will show you portraits of all the
fascinating people that have inhabited this mansion over
the past three centuries.
ROBIN: Well, Mr. Ruehl I suppose that would be an interesting
diversion from this awful stormy night. But it is kind of
dark and creepy down that hallway. It kind of reminds me of
a strange dream I have been having recently that wakes me
up in the middle of the night, as a matter of fact I believe
YOU were in that dream (jumps back in horror).
DOUGLAS: (to ROBIN) I think maybe you ought to come with me. I don't
think either of us should be alone with Mr. Ruehl until we
know him better.
DR. RUEHL: I think you have been watching too many slasher movies.
DR. RHUEL watches as the interlopers nervously ascend the
stairs to the second floor. When they are out of sight, he
checks the pulse on the wrist of the occupied suite of
armor, then raises the visor and examines the eyes of the
unconcious man. He slams the visor back down as he hears
the BERKES coming back down the stairs. He pulls a book out
of the bookcase and sits down, pretending to be absorbed in
reading the book. He doesn't notice that it's upside down.
The BERKES enter from the stairway.
DOUGLAS: (speaking emphatically to ROBIN as they walk down the stairs
... so you see, it's not slasher movies but Rocky Horror
that comes to mind. (Looks at DR. RUEHL, then in a horse
whisper) or maybe Riff Raff.
DOUGLAS: Did you watch Something Is Out There yesterday????
ROBIN: Absolutely. Never miss it. That and the Prisoner
DOUGLAS: Jack and Ta'ra's mysteries definitely keep me entertained.
Anything new happen to Number 6 lately????
ROBIN: No. He got brainwashed again trying to see if it was A, B or
C.
DOUGLAS: Keep me posted. (Robin leaves the room and Douglas gets a
Playboy from his bag.)
DR. RUEHL is clearly satisfied with what is going on. He
puts the book down on a dusty end-table, and approaches
DOUGLAS.
DR. RUEHL: (conversationally) Wasn't the pine pollen delicious this
year? I really must stock up on rhombuses before the price
gets too high.
DOUGLAS: (friendly) Yes, the petunias are lovely, but don't you
already have a septic system?
DR. RUEHL: (smiling widely) Camping is fun, but robots can --
ROBIN runs back into the room, wild eyed and frightened. She
goes over to DOUGLAS and shakes him.
ROBIN: (shouting) Douglas! Do you know what you sound like? Snap
out of it! (seeing no response from him, she pleads) Come
on, Doug, try to break free -- It must have been some sort
of contact drug -- I only got a little of it, and it's worn
off. Can't you see what he's done to you?
DOUGLAS: (still oblivious) You're absolutely right, dear, those brea
shoes are very comfortable. (turns to DR. RHUEL) Don't
you think the corridor is warm enough?
ROBIN slaps DOUGLAS a few times before he seems to notice.
DOUGLAS: (Angry) Hey, what's going on? Why are you slapping me?
(suddenly worried) How did we get back down stairs? I
don't remember leaving the bathroom.
DR. RUEHL: (Muttering) Curses!
DR. RUEHL sits down dejectedly, head in hands.
ROBIN: (Accusingly) He (points at DR. RUEHL) somehow drugged us. I
must not have gotten a big enough dose, and I came out of
it before he could do whatever evil thing he was planning
with us! (she wheels around to face DR. RUEHL) What kind of
monster are you? What were you going to do to us?
DR. RUEHL continues to sit, head in hands. He doesn't look
at her. He remains silent, though he rocks slightly back
and forth. DOUGLAS is still disoriented, but notices the
magazine in his hands, and looks at it questioningly.
ROBIN: (Almost screaming) Mister, I don't know what's going on, but
you'd better tell me! Now! What did you do to us? What
horrible plans do you have for us? (pauses) I'm talking to
you. Don't pretend you don't here me! (a long pause, now
she is screaming, almost in tears) Oh god! You're as bad as
my husband!
DR RUEHL slowly looks up. He's been crying. He looks at
ROBIN and shakes his head sadly.
DR. RUEHL: You won't believe me if I tell you. It isn't what you are
thinking.
DOUGLAS starts leafing through the magazine, still confused.
ROBIN: Don't try to tell me that you DRUGGED us for our own good!
You must be crazy --
As ROBIN delivers that line, DOUGLAS closes the magazine and
for the first time sees the cover. His dazed state is
suddenly gone. He interrupts, putting his hand on ROBIN's
shoulder as he does so.
DOUGLAS: (interrupting, urgent) Robin! Look!
ROBIN spins around to face DOUGLAS. She is livid. She
glares at him, hands clenched into fists, knuckles white.
ROBIN: (angry) What do you want? (sarcasticly) More toothpaste
for your potato chips?
DOUGLAS shakes his head and shoves the magazine at her.
DOUGLAS: (pleading) Just look at the cover, Robin. Please?
ROBIN, still angry, snatches the magazine out of DOUGLAS's
hand and looks at it. She starts to say something, but only
gets a sylable or two out before her mind registers what
her eyes are seeing on the magazine cover. She stares at it
for a moment, her shoulders droop, and she drops the
magazine to the floor.
ROBIN: (softly, shaken, to DOUGLAS) I, I, I..
Douglas looks at her, his expression unreadable. ROBIN
slowly turns around to face DR. RUEHL.
ROBIN: (sadly, not hostile, to DR. RUEHL) You'd better tell us just
what's going on here. I'm almost ready to believe you.
After that (points toward the magazine laying on the floor)
I can pretty much believe anything.
ROBIN carefully guides herself to a straight-back chair,
visibly shaken, and slowly lowers herself on to it. Her
features have softened. DOUGLAS, his expression still
unreadable, steps behind the chair and puts his hands on
ROBIN's shoulders. She does not shake them off. DR. RUEHL
looks up and sighs. He straightens somewhat and takes a few
deep breaths.
DR. RUEHL: (carefully) It's not easy to explain. It's so hard to figure
out where to start. The beginning may be a bad place to
start, since none of this makes any sense until recent
events are understood. (pauses for a response, and gets
none) I'll do my best, but this isn't going to be easy for
you to understand or believe. How much do you know about
cosmology? Quantum physics? Electro-dynamics? (brief pause)
Theology?
ROBIN: A lot. more than you know. You had something to tell me
DR. RUEHL: I am going to transfer you to a place called The Village.
You will be escorted by Number 2.
ROBIN: Will i have a number???
DR. RUEHL: Yes. You are number 6. Keep in mind, Number 2 will watch
your every move. The Village is strict and will not tolerate
a bastard.
The lights go out and the Act is over.
Setting:
As Robin wakes up in a room, She wonders where she is, Gas
has erased her memory and she opens a shade to a window
She enters a door marked Central Command.
ROBIN: Where am I?????
DOUGLAS enters from an unmarked door. DR RUEHL follows.
DR. RUEHL: I believe I can answer your question. (pauses) Kansas.
DOUGLAS: (explaining) Actually, we're in the basement of the mansion.
The drug hadn't worn off -- its effect had been delayed.
When you calmed down enough to listen to Mortimer's
explaination, you started hallucinating. In fact, you're
still hallucinating.
DR. RUEHL: (urgently) Do you remember anything at all? If so, what is
the last thing you remember? It is important that I know
if I'm to help you.
ROBIN is disoriented. She steadies herself against a
console of some sort. DOUGLAS steps forward to help her.
ROBIN: (shakes her head, then to DOUGLAS) The last thing I remember
is going up to the bathroom with you. I don't remember
getting there, just walking up the stairs. (pauses) I
think, now -- No that must have been an hallucination.
There is no way that THAT could have happened. (pause,
then alarmed) What do you mean DRUGGED? And angry? I
remember that, but it couldn't have happened. It
couldn't...... (trails off to silence)
The lights gradually change from stark, bright,
high-contrast lights that give the appearance of
black-and-white to softer, colorful lighting. Features of
the room previously not noticable become obvious. The
control console is an old polygraph machine. There are some
small empty cages along the back wall of the room. Through
the window of a door is seen, in reverse (since we are
reading it from the wrong side), "Department Of Entropy".
Another door is marked "Unauthorized Personel Only Beyond
This Point". Piled about the room are old pizza boxes, soda
cans, and other detritus. The place looks like a college
student's apartment...
DR. RUEHL: Please allow me to explain.
DR. RUEHL clears two chairs of their stacks of pizza boxes,
checking one for edible remains, and tosses the boxes on top
of the polygraph machine. He then motions to ROBIN and
DOUGLAS to take a seat, which they do. He then rips a
length of chart paper from the polygraph machine and tapes
it to the back wall, pulls out a marking pen, and prepares
himself to begin a lecture.
ROBIN: Did the magazine cover actually show --
DR. RUEHL: You are in a place called the Village. You are being
strongly supervised by Number 2. Be careful of what you do.
Anything illegal will have you in deep water with the
Rovers. Stay calm. Be seeing You.
DR. RUEHL: (interrupting) yes. It did. I know it seems impossible,
but once I explain it you may be able to understand what has
happened and what it all means. Please be patient. Before
you went psychotic, I asked you how much you knew about
Cosmology, Quantum Physics, Electro-dynamics, and Theology.
I shuold have also added philosophy and phillology. A
background in pharmacology wouldn't be wasted either.
DOUGLAS and ROBIN are startled, as DR. RUEHL seems to be
speaking with two voices at once, each talking about
different things. One is clearly nonsense, while the other
might explain much -- unfortunately nobody can tell which is
which.
DOUGLAS: (To DR. RUEHL) What's going on? How did you do that? What
are you trying to say? Do we have to know this for the
test?
Evil laughter and some loud metallic noises, as in the
bolting and riveting of a metal door, are heard from off
stage. The characters all look alarmed.
ROBIN: What was that?
DOUGLAS: Oh god, what's happening?
DR. RUEHL: Not again!!!?
DR. RUEHL runs off stage through the door marked
"Unauthorized Personel Only Beyond This Point", the door
closes behind him. From off stage can be heard footsteps on
a long staircase, fading into the distance, then silence.
ROBIN turns and looks at DOUGLAS.
ROBIN: What's going on? What happened to us when we went upstairs
in that old house? How did we get here? And how could the
cover of that magazine say --
DOUGLAS: (interrupting) Robin, calm down. That man is a scientist.
We're in one of his labs in a sub-basement of the old
mansion. When you were raving about "Number 2", and not
being a number, Dr. Ruehl started to explain to me what was
going on. He got as far as to tell me that the psychotic
effect was caused by a gas which comes from some caves
beneath the estate. His theory is that the gas disconnects
the verbal centers of the brain and reconnects them to the
motor/spacial centers.... He was going to explain what this
meant when you suddenly got up, screamed something about not
telling why you resigned, and ran down here. We followed
and found you here. I'm not convinced that Mortimer, that
is, Dr. Ruehl, is as unaffected by the gas as he claims to
be, and that he is more than a little psychotic himself. I
am humoring him, hoping he will let us go. I suggest you do
the same.
ROBIN: But the magazine cover -- How could it --
ROBIN: (looking into the corner) What is this!? (Grabs a small
black object) Hrmmm... It looks like some sort of..(mouth
agape and gazing at Douglas) Its..Its..
From the distance off stage, footsteps can be heard coming
down a long staircase, more slowly than the previous ones.
They get gradually louder as DOUGLAS delivers his next line.
DOUGLAS: (Glaring angrily at Robin) Hey I heard you the first time!
There is no need to keep blathering on about that..thing
you have there. (Snatching the black object from Robin) Hey!
I haven't seen one of these since that time when...
DR. RUEHL: (From the distance) I...wouldn't...toy...with..that! Its a
very sophisticated...AARAARRRRRRGGHHH!!!! (Screams of agony
fade into the distance.)
ROBIN: Huh? Why are you yelling? What does your fetid imagination
think I did this time? I think you're a bit bonkers
yourself.
ROBIN snatches the object back from DOUGLAS. As she does
so, DR. RUEHL walks calmly in through the door marked
"Department Of Entropy".
ROBIN: (to DR. RUEHL) What happened out there? What was all that
shouting and clanging about?
DR. RUEHL: ROBIN toys with the dark object. DR. RUEHL notices it and
runs over and takes it from her. Before ROBIN can object,
he somehow makes it vanish.
DOUGLAS: (in a horse whisper) Uh, I think you're reading the stage
directions... Your line starts "Where did you find that?
I've been looking for it for ages..."
DR. RUEHL: (whispering) Sorry...
ROBIN toys with the dark object. DR. RUEHL notices it and
runs over and takes it from her. Before ROBIN can object, he
somehow makes it vanish.
DR. RUEHL: Where did you find that? I've been looking for it for ages!
The noise was some clown wearing an old suit of armor
falling down the stairs. As far as the shouting goes, I
don't know what you're talking about. I'm hungry. Anybody
want some pizza?
ROBIN: (taken aback) Pizza? (looks around at the piles of old,
mostly empty, pizza boxes) Ugh. I don't think so.
DOUGLAS: No, no. We aren't hungry. What's going on? We most
definitely heard you shouting about something!
DR. RUEHL: Don't be rediculous! (cheerfully) So pizza it is.
Anchovies and pinapple okay? (doesn't wait for an answer)
Good. That's my favorite!
Without waiting for any sort of response, DR. RUEHL exits
through the "Dept. of Entropy" door. ROBIN begins to say
something to DOUGLAS, when suddenly DR. RUEHL opens and
comes through the door marked "Unauthorized Personel Only
Beyond This Point". His clothes are somewhat dirtied with a
few tears, and he is favoring one leg. He looks hurried and
anxious.
DR. RUEHL: (frightened, but assertive) It's worse than I thought.
We've got to get out of this place immediately, if not
sooner. I won't say "don't panic", because panicing may be
our only hope!
ROBIN and DOUGLAS stare at DR. RUEHL in disbelief.
ROBIN: Wait a minute! You were just here calm as can be, talking
about pizza, and you left through the other door. Not three
seconds later, you come storming back in through that door
all upset and tell us that things are awful and we must get
out of here. Not that I don't want to get out of here, but
what the hell is going on?
DR. RUEHL: I wasn't in this room -- I was trying to prevent a
catastrophe of unimaginable proportion, and I've failed.
Don't argue with me, we've got to get out of here NOW!
Follow me!
DOUGLAS begins to say something, but thinks better of it.
DR. RUEHL leads the other two through the door marked
"Department of Entropy". Some sounds are heard, an
anguished cry from DR. RUEHL, and the three reenter the
room, DR. RUEHL is the last one through and he slams the
door and bolts it. ROBIN and DOUGLAS head for the other
door.
DR. RUEHL: Stop! We can't go that way! There is another way out! I
just hope we have enough time left!
DR. RUEHL kicks aside a tall pile of pizza boxes, lifts a
trap door lid off the floor, and climbs down through the
floor. DOUGLAS moves to follow, but DR. RUEHL's head comes
back out of the hole as he is climbing out. He is carrying
a large cardboard box. On the side of the box is printed
"Transmogrifier", which is crudely crossed out with the word
"Time Machine" written under it. This too is crossed out,
and below that is written in crude letters "Deus Ex
Machina". DOUGLAS and ROBIN huddle together in fear and
disbelief.